I just wanted to tell you that I love you so much. You have always been there for me through thick and thin, you have cried with me, laughed with me, and have always been the pillar of strength and the only one person in this world who has always been there for me since I came to this world.
How wonderful was the day when I started calling you “ammi ji”, I kind of remember a little when I was young and used to run off to school saying “i have to go I have to go teacher is gonna be asking me to recite the timetable” and you used to be “eat something before you go, hurry up” and hmm when on my way back home I used to throw my schoolbag on the bed, wouldn’t take off my clothes until I was done with my homework and you used to say “No no wakas first you have to eat then do your homework”. Always caring and praying for my health.
I remember whenever I used to fall ill you wouldn’t sleep, you would stay awake holding me near you and to tell you the truth I feel blessed that I was ill because then I got the chance to be near you. The comfort and the love you showered me with through each step of the way has given me a totally different outlook to this world. The caring nature you have towards even those that used to be cruel as there always are those types of people in a family. That was a never ending lesson for me watching you be so honest and mature in every situation.
You remember once you and grandma took me to school on my first day in Lahore? And little did you both know that I followed you back through the shopping center and hid myself everytime you two looked back thinking you saw me. I heard you say to grandma again and again “Don’t know how wakas is doing, hope he is ok” Looking back at it I see nothing other than pure love and care for that one person you brought into this world. And when you saw me there was no sign of anger on your face, but you just hugged me and said “ohh what you doing here” hmmm I wish I was 7 again just to see you smiling and walking as if everything is ok.
You remember when we came to Norway and after a few years I got my first brother after 10 years. I was over the moon when grandma said “wakas wakas wake up you got a brother” I jumped up from the bed and fell down and ran towards the door and realized that she meant he is in the hospital. I dressed up quickly and waited so badly that dad would drive us all to see the bundle of joy. My little brother who I will play with from now on. I was so happy. I saw you there in the hospital with the cute baby and just hugged him so tight. I miss that hmm
Do you remember the day when we all moved back to Pakistan because I said i can’t live in Norway I want to be in Pakistan. I went back with Grandma who was always there for me too. But there was something missing there you know. You weren’t there, as much as you wanted to. Then I came back again and saw my other brothers, tiny and so cute. Time wasn’t so kind to grandma (dad’s mum) and she passed away and yes I am always going to miss her.
We moved back to Pakistan, remember? And then during that time first month there from Norway we were robbed of almost everything we had when the guys who broke in to our house put a gun on my head and started counting to 10. I could sense his shaking hand on my back as if it was his first time, but that hand going towards my head with his gun was more than enough for you to get up and give them whatever possessions they asked for from the house. The fear I saw in your eyes that day was more than enough for me to also not do anything as it could have made matters worse for the little brothers and the baby sister who was lying there crying wondering what these guys are screaming for. That hellish day I realized life is so unpredictable and how you handled it made me respect you even more and more.
Then I said I am going to Norway and you kind of in your own silent way nodded and said ok. While I know deep inside you broke to pieces seeing your eldest son leave for another country with dad while brothers and sisters were with you although you came back to Norway after a few months. Then from there I moved to London to start working, yet again I wasn’t there but my short visits back and forth to see you guys were something I made sure I did.
You are my strength in moments of pain and that person in this world who unconditionally prays for my well being and success through each phase of my life. You have given me the reason to smile and the reason to feel that nothing is impossible when one puts their mind to it. You saw me when I failed, and you were right there when I succeeded. You were there when i tried and you were there when I used to just lay down thinking life is finished while it only had just begun.
But what have I done for you as a son? Is there anything I can do to give you back what you have given me? Is there anything I can do that can repay the amount of hours you have put in to take care of me and all the family since i came into this world? What can I do that shows you that without you my life is going to be just a word. For some unfortunate people having a mother and not caring for them is their lifestyle, but for me the values you injected in me make sure that everytime you need me I am there for you.
Now we got a huge house so all brothers and sisters get a room of their own. You wanted that right, although you were happy before too I am sure you are happy inside that we made it very well through the phases of life. And you still take care of us, still to this date not a single day you don’t worry about me if I haven’t eaten properly. And I feel so blessed to call you when I am coming home from work everyday just so you know that you mean the world to me and I want you to feel you deserve to know everything that goes on, I am sure you like to know where I am right :)
So mum that day when you said you feel bad that I had to take vacation from work and use it all on driving you to the hospital for checkups. Why would you say that hmm If you can stay awake all night even now when I am not a baby anymore (atleast for you I am) why can’t I get up and do my duty? Who else will ever understand what you have given me if I don’t? It’s my job and my mission to make the ends meet and make sure that the one person who brought me to this world is being treated properly by this world.
Doctors said you aren’t well but you know you are. Because mum wellness isn’t all about health, it’s about how you feel mentally. And you know what, till the day i breathe my last I will make sure you are not let down by me. I am taking care of my brothers and the little baby sister but I need you, dad needs you and we all need you to be here. You know that right?
So come on and smile now because this son of yours is capable of facing the world and will be your pillar of strength now, I can’t come close to the purity you possess but at least I can try to do just .001 % of what you did for me although what you did outweighs everything I will ever do in my entire lifetime.
I know you will be ok, because you have yet to see your kids get married, and their kids get married and so on. And you also know that you will be an amazing grandma and someone who everyone looks upto. So please hear me up and stay. Your son needs you I know you won’t let him down :)