This reflection came after I listened to Dr. Gabor Maté. His words didn’t just land. They unsettled something inside me. And what followed was this blog post.
Every child is born into a different version of their parents.
The first child meets a parent who is still uncertain, still carrying the weight of their own upbringing. They are trying hard, maybe too hard, to get it all right. They bring discipline, structure, and effort, but also anxiety, pressure, and perfectionism. That child often grows up with the feeling that love had conditions, even if it didn’t.
The second child enters when things have cracked a little. The parents have failed and survived it. They have softened, lowered the volume of their guilt, and stopped obsessing about what others think. That child grows up around more laughter, more flexibility. Less perfection, maybe, but more humanity.
And by the time the third or forth comes around, the parents are often tired. But their love has been tested and proven. They no longer strive to appear perfect. They simply show up. That child gets a quieter, more seasoned kind of affection. Maybe fewer rules, fewer photos, but also fewer masks.
This is why siblings sometimes feel like they grew up in entirely different homes. Because they did. Not physically, but emotionally. The people who raised them were not the same.
Parents evolve. They unlearn. They break down and rebuild. And each child meets them at a different chapter.
This isn’t about blame. It’s about awareness.
Some of us spend decades resenting the version of our parents we got. But healing often begins with one difficult question:
What was going on in their lives when they were trying to love me?
Maybe your mother was anxious and unsure. Maybe your father was lost in his own pain. Maybe their love was real, but blocked by their own trauma.
You didn’t imagine it. But you also don’t have to carry it forever.
The love you craved back then might not arrive in the form you hoped for. But understanding is its own kind of healing.
And maybe, if you’re a parent now, you’ll remember this. Your child is meeting you in this version of yourself. The one shaped by every joy, every scar, every silent prayer.
So be kind to them.
And please, be kind to yourself.