Some wounds never bleed on the outside. You grow up smiling at weddings, cracking jokes at restaurants, showing up at family gatherings, but somewhere inside there is a quiet ache. It sits with you during Eid mornings when your heart feels heavy for no reason. It walks beside you when you pass by a father holding his child’s hand at the or Sunday bazaar.This is what we call the father wound.
Maybe your father was there in the house, but never there in your life. Maybe his voice filled the room, but his love never filled your heart. Maybe he provided for you but forgot to protect your feelings.In many Pakistani homes, we are taught to respect our elders no matter how much they hurt us. We are told not to question them. “Baap baap hota hai.” But who taught our fathers how to be fathers?
Some of us were beaten instead of being guided. Some of us were silenced instead of being heard. Some of us were compared to others instead of being seen for who we are.How many times did you hear,”Dekho falanay ka beta kitna acha hai,”while your own efforts were ignored?
But now you are grown. And here is the hard truth.You can either carry this pain forward, or you can break the cycle.You can spend your life blaming him. “Woh aise the, isliye main aisa hoon.” Maybe that is true. But do you really want your own children to say the same about you one day?I have sat with grown men in Lahore, Oslo, London who smiled publicly but broke down when speaking of their childhood. I have met young boys in Oslo who already decided, “Main apne walid jaisa nahi banunga.” (I won’t be like my father) unless you heal, you will unknowingly become the very thing you feared.
When was the last time you sat with your pain? No phone, no cricket match in the background, no chai to distract you.Have you ever written him a letter that you will never send? Have you told Allah the words you never dared to say out loud?You might say, “Lekin main toh theek hoon. Main move on kar chuka hoon.” (But I am ok, I have moved on)
Then why do your hands tremble when your child looks at you the way you once looked at your father?Why does your heart ache when you see a father lifting his child on his shoulders in the park?
Brother, sister,Healing will not come overnight. But it begins the day you stop waiting for him to apologize. Maybe he never will. Maybe he does not know how. And that is okay. You are not the brokenness you were raised in.
You are the healing your family never knew.Be the father you always needed.Be the mother your children deserve.Start with your own heart. Talk to Allah in tahajjud when the world is asleep. Let your tears fall in sajdah. Your story does not end in pain. It begins in healing.
One day, your son or daughter will look at you and say,”Abu, thank you for being different. Thank you for breaking the chain.”
And that one sentence will be worth all the tears you cried in secret.
