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My mother.. my angel

My mother.. my angel

Dear Mum,

It’s been exactly 1 year since you went back to your creator because of cancer. I  remember still like it was yesterday when the doctor said that you don’t have more days left and when I came and told you about it I started with saying “You do believe Allah na ammi, that whatever happens it happens for a reason and of course no one can decide when the time is up apart from  Allah himself”

And you knew what I was about to say, but the thing that I could notice from your face was the sadness of not being able to see your only daughter of age 12 growing up under your love and care. I could sense although I don’t know the awful feeling you might be going through to not being able to be there for the wedding of your eldest son which was being arranged during your last week of being in this world.

What was going through your mind mum when you were so ill and couldn’t make it to my in-laws because of your health when we went there to talk about asking them for the hand of their daughter? When we returned to the hospital you were smiling, but later on you bursted into tears saying to me that this was the day I was waiting for since you were born, that’s what every mother dreams of, the day when she is to bring home a bride for her sons. And so unlucky am I that I couldn’t even sit straight on this day. But the thing that I was content with was that you were told by the others that the girl is lovely and reminded them of you. That made you smile and you said with pride, “I knew my daughter would be nice because I never did injustice to anyone, I will show everyone how to treat a daughter in law”

That was the comfort you gave to yourself and I backed it by saying, “Of course, a lovely mother in law will never get a bad daughter in law”  The days passed and you said you dreamt that you had a week left somehow and you had tears rolling down your cheeks. I said “Come on Mum, that doesn’t happen such, you can’t know when you are to pass away, you are to stay with me and be with dad and all of us and see the youngest daughter wed as well and play with your great grand children” But somehow you didn’t  find that comforting and just smiled, as if you are saying “Who are you fooling my son?” hmmm

I went to every mosque and had them pray for you, asking them to ask Allah if your time has come just make it easy on you. Just be gentle with my mother. And when I ran all over to gather “zamzam”, the holy water. I told you to drink this from now on and not the regular water. And you were so innocent when I used to come to the hospital you were like “I told your aunt that if there is anyone who can make me eat something for the sake of my health it’s you, you always force me to eat saying if you don’t eat you can’t fight it” then you laughed and deep inside.. I cried, because I didn’t want to notice your health deteriorating, all I was seeing was a mother who gave me life, a mother who held me in her arms when I used to be ill, a mother who once admitted me into a school when I was 8 and I ran out of school and followed her all through the city back home and I could clearly hear you saying to grand mother “I hope he is ok, I hope he has eaten” May Allah grant you with Paradise my dear mother,
you deserve nothing less than that.

When I used to feed you in your last few days, the thought of you doing the same to me when I was young broke me into pieces. I remembered a day when we were back home on the rooftop and I was around 6, and all of a sudden I had a seizure due to the high fever. And you were frightened to death and held me in your arms and covered me. I still remember the cry and your words comforting me saying “It’s ok, I am here, it’s ok I am here” … I was saying the same to you when you were teary mum, I was there…
I was in the mosque and got a call from dad saying “hurry up, mum is not well” I took the train and was there in a few minutes. My heart was pounding and I wanted to hold back my tears in the train, but somehow without realizing the world around me they kept on rolling down my cheeks, i couldn’t wait to reach the hospital, and when I did I saw dozens of family friends in the room and the ladies were all sad and crying.

You on the other hand were in some kind of a coma although you were making signs with your hand, and I knew what you were saying. You wanted to be covered since there were others there too. That is my mother, on her last few breaths but fearful of Allah. I had them cover you and was furious, made them all get out of the room and kept on saying “Why why are you all doing this, why , she is awake and she is well why are you all here and talking so loud saying she is no more, how can you all be so rude”

They all went out but returned when dad let them in again. I called the nurse to get the ambulance over but she wouldn’t hear out saying it’s nothing they can do, I kept on knocking on her door again and again and forced her to call ambulance as soon as possible and said if something happens to my mother because of her not doing her job it will not end up good for their sake.

She called the ambulance, and three ladies came and picked you up and transported you into the ambulance onto the bigger hospital. I sat in front and told the driver lady that this is not my mother she is my world, my universe. Please drive fast I can’t lose her, I am going to get married next month, I can’t do anything without her. The two nurses sitting in the back of ambulance had their heads tilted inwards and they also were teary saying don’t worry, she will be ok.

We were at the hospital and you were put into a room. Dad, and aunt were with you. I came back for a while with the brothers. Then I got a call around 3 in the morning that she is not well. I woke up a brother and drove as fast as I could to the hospital. With strange thoughts in mind I still had hope.

When I came there I saw you still in the same state, totally not knowing where you were, and eyes tilted elsewhere and you kept on saying something with your lips. The tongue was a bit hard due to the mouth being open and I sensed it and asked the nurse if I could give you water. She goes yes you may, she gave me cotton buds and I made them a bit wet and put them in your mouth to moisten your tongue and lips. You bit on the cotton bud and wouldn’t let go, I was scared that it will go into your throat and stop your breath, I held it back and you let it go. Then again I wet the cotton bud and wet your lips because they were so dry and i sensed you gulped a little as if you were waiting for some water.

The thought that went through my mind in those few minutes was, That here lies my mother, the one who gave me birth, the one who went through so much pain in  bringing five children to this world, had a life that was full of tests of all types and here I am giving her the last few drops of water.. am I doing something to repay her love and care? No I can’t.. I never could. The nurse said that we would have to remove the machines that are connected to her since she won’t need them. I broke down and said you can’t do that, and she said “The blood flow in her body will automatically leave rest of the body and only allow brain and heart to function for a while before…..” and she stopped because I said I don’t want to hear it.

She took them off and I held your hand and felt it, the nails were little blue but my hope was still young and positive. I started crying, wondering these are the hands that held my hand when I fell down million of times. These are the hands that have no feeling left, I kept on rubbing them asked my little brother to hold the other and had my aunt rub her feet. Innocent thought struck my mind that maybe if we rub your hands and feet the blood will flow back. But then again, does a mind work properly when your whole universe is dissappearing right in front of you?

I kept looking at you and my brother was watching your beautiful face and crying. Then unknowingly I was seeing your breath having a longer pause between the last. I kept on praying and rubbing your hands and kept on saying next to your ear,

“I am here…I am here”

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I sensed a little twitch on your eye brow as if you said “I know my son, I know you are here”

And then after a few seconds my little brother says

“Mum is not breathing, mum is not breathing”

and he started crying..

I knew that very second mum that life from now onwards will not be the same because no one will ever pray for my safety and my health like you did, now if Allah puts me in pain or hurdles, no one has the pain in her heart like you would have.

Mum, you were my angel and always will be. May Allah grant you the most beautiful place in Heaven.

Until we meet again,

Your son!

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